Thursday was bad. I had counted on my appointment with the Oncologist & chemo being for Friday, then the receptionist realized my faux pas—I had told her I'd see her Friday. She called me Thursday AM to remind me that I was wrong—it was a day early! I went in and of course Dr. Nair hadn't had a chance to have a conversation with Dr. Bard—and I cooled my heels for 45 minutes while they didn't get together. Finally an answer—Bard was in surgery. I went back to work, hoping that I could reschedule chemo for Friday, but no such luck. I needed to do it yesterday.

For some reason, that quick change in my schedule really threw me for a loop, so much so that I ended up in tears over it! I had things to do, projects to finish, and I wasn't being given a choice in the matter. I was frustrated, upset and for gods sake, crying. K told me that I was setting my standards to high for accomplishing things, and to not worry about it. I just get so upset that I almost know enough, that I almost have a grasp. I know enough to get myself in trouble is what it boils down to. I still have yet to get a reservation system up and running, and I've failed completely in that.

And so back to Thursday. I spent the afternoon reading a book, and snacking while the IV's dripped away, and I realized that I just didn’t want to go home and be by myself. It would have been so nice to have dinner and a conversation with some one, just to hang out with. I ended up getting over myself and making 102 failed images in Paint shop. (I think I have the arithmetic function figured out though.)

Today was manic in comparison. One of the premeds is a steroid, and it sends me speeding. I sold off 5 computers that had been sitting on a shelf for ages, and they were too old or slow to be put back into service anywhere—I mean I have 25 faster, newer PC's from closed offices sitting next to them. But for kids at home, these are fine. It was nice to make back a little money for the department too. It kept me entertained for the afternoon, when I was at a standstill for any other project I had waiting. Heck maybe I'll have Chris bring me the ones from Houston and sell them too! LOL

Oh, the hair. The hair is falling out in HUGE GIANT HANDFULS. Its awful, I have this nasty bald spot on the top of my head now. I swear the hairball from washing my hair this AM was the size of grapefruit—packed together. I have yet to lose hair anywhere else, though. I'm going to look really stupid with no eyelashes or eyebrows! Hair is everywhere, too. I shed as I go along, on my clothes, on the pillow, on the bathroom floor. Yech.

One of my listsibs, D mentioned to me that her son had just completed nearly 3 years of chemotherapy. I've not given too much thought about the length of the treatment so far, I can barely get through to the having surgery part. During chemo you can't really go off and do things in a crowd, and cold season is very dangerous, as you have very few white blood cells to fight off infection. I have been getting an injection to bring them back up to a fairly high level. I guess I can get the Neulasta indefinitely, as they don’t seem very concerned about giving it to me every three weeks. I may ask for the one that boosts the Red blood cells, I was feeling pretty peaked there for a while. At any rate, I may be at this for a while. Dr. Bard explained what the general course of treatment is. After the initial internal debulking, they bank the tumor tissue and use it to test chemo drugs against; I get lots and lots chemo. After the CT and the U/S don’t see and cancerous material, they go in and do surgery again and do a visual check, then do a general radiation treatment to kill off any errant cells still hanging out. I wonder why they don’t do a PET scan—it can detect cancer at a single cell size. It would be ever more efficient. I may see what one of those suckers cost- I bet it’s a blue million, as insurance won't cover it. Bastards.

Dr. Bard used to teach at M.D. Anderson in Houston and at UAMS as well. His specialty has been ovarian cancer for about the last 40 years, it was the subject of his doctorate thesis in '65, and he has practiced in that specialty ever since. He claims to have the highest cure rate in the city, though in '92 it was only 40%. {{Shudder}} He did say that was a decade ago and its even higher now. Still a horrible thought. I'm not in total denial. I'm getting affairs in order in any case, needed to do that for years. I guess I should put some thought into how I'm going to spend the next few years, besides medically. I guess that's really what had me upset on Thursday. I just don’t want to end up incapable of doing something fun by the one thing that might keep me alive, and then find out I passed on all that to get well, and that never materialized. The fine line between the quality of life and the length of life, where and when do you draw it? At the moment I can do it, I have lots of fight left and I pray to whatever deity may chose to take pity on me, that I continue to be capable of fighting.

I think I still have things to say. My great american novel is languishing in a draft on my hard drive, and I have other stories that are in my head. I wonder about how these things will be seen in 25 years, if ever. I wonder who will take charge of them when I'm gone. You read little tales of other fan fiction authors that have passed on, and their work ended up just vanishing. And I want to be more than just a fan writer, it's such a vacuum. Although I imagine that being a published mainstream writer is a bigger vacuum. I had an astonishing experience. I had read a book a couple of years ago- I really liked it, and considered trying to track down the author. I never did that, but the book has stayed with me. I got an email from a listsib that had a quote from that book, and I was so excited that someone else had read it! I mentioned it, and turns out that my correspondent was good friends with the author of this book!! I scraped up a half a page of nice things I liked about code of conduct, and sent them to be forward. Kris was so thrilled to be getting some reader feedback! A feeling I understand completely. It was a very gratifying thing for me. It would be more gratifying if I could get myself back in the habit of writing, but I am distracted and pulled in so many directions. More dedication to the task is what's needed.